They say a blog is like a diary, that in years to come you will look back and learn from your lessons. Well here is my first diary post, to myself and to anyone it might help. In years to come I hope I look back at this and kick myself.
A wise person once said, the only person you can rely on, is yourself. My god how true he was! My life revolved around someone, someone so special to me that I would wake up thinking of them, and go to sleep dreaming of them. I would constantly be wishing I was with them, and when I would leave to return home, I would be so sad. My whole life was them. I was promised they would never leave, that they would always love me no matter what, that I would always be safe with them, and in their eyes? I felt it. I trusted them with my entire life, my secrets I entrusted to them, and whenever I needed help, or a cry or to share some laughter, they would be there.
We started to have some problems, and I drunkenly confided in his family, once it all came out, they told me to go to them when I had a problem. So I did. It felt amazing, I lost all of my family not long ago, and it felt like I had been given an adopted one. I was happy, and it felt good getting out my concerns and anger with someone.
I carried on, life still revolving around that person. Until I admitted something horrific to him. Something that had happened to me that plagued me for ages, something that caused me pain. I lay in his arms, crying and shaking, as he assured me that we would get help. That no one else mattered in the entire world, and that I wouldnt have to fight on my own. Worst thing is? I believed him. I felt safe, and that he was my knight in shining armour.
The next day arrived and we sort advice from his nan, a CEO (In the police). I thought it was all over, that I could be calm and content once more until the words left her mouth. I don't belive you. It's fair to say my heart shattered and I panicked. All I could think of was the fact that this woman had betrayed me. I ran from the flat, distraught. I couldn't stop running. Turns out, when I had left, his family had sat and told him everything I had confided in them about, every argument, every spat.
He believed them. It cut me like a knife and I havent stopped crying since. Sitting at home, begging for him to love me again, for him to listen, for him to believe me, but he didn't. He blocked my number and facebook, and told me to seek help. I was betrayed. And alone.
Since coming back home, I have spoken to the police, and sat in my room crying. My chest felt like it had been ripped out, and I never thought I would survive. If I was going to die, it would be of a broken heart.
I can't sleep, I can't eat. It's a vicious trap.
Though today, I sat and spoke to my support worker, and my close friend. They put alot of things into perspective for me. If he truly loved me, if he was truly my friend, he would have been there for me.
I had allowed myself to depend wholey on someone who promised that they would always be there, and I had forgotten my own feet. I allowed my heart to lie in the hands of someone capable of squishing it. It pains me to say it, but I will not hear from him again. Whatever his family have said, he obviously believes, and I can swear on anything I have never lied.
My life now must exist with just me in it, i'm in charge and I must rely on myself. Life is hard, and my heart feels like it is still being squished, still struggling to breathe but life is not over. Life is not gone completely. I am still breathing, and with each painful step i'm moving forward. I'm trudging through the tunnel, searching for the light. This time it is not someone else creating it, it's up to me to turn on the light switch.
I guess my advice to myself, and to any others. Your life is your own, control it. It's hard to see it, but on your own, you can't get hurt. Trust when you know you can, it doesn't appear in a day. The most important thing is, no matter how much you love someone, they can always hurt you beyond repair.
Some of you may think I am crazy, that it is just a friend, but since losing my family, and my friends, he was my everything. He put me up when I was homeless, and let me cry on him when I couldn't face life on my own. I will always be in debt to him, and will always love him beyond belief, but no matter how much you love someone, what has happened to me doesn't deserve to happen to anyone. That may sound selfish, but I would never want any child of mine in future to go through the same.
So when you feel like someone is your world, know, no one controls your world other than yourself. You create the light in the tunnel, you hold it in your hands. Let others in, but no one is allowed to hurt you, no one is allowed to abandon you when you need them most, and if they do? Turn off the light and find the confidence that you can walk in the dark. On your own.
Chann
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