Hey there fabulous readers! Today's post is about something I have come across recently. A bit of an odd subject but hey! We share everything right? What was that? A rash? ...Ew no. Okay maybe we shouldn't share EVERYTHING...You had to push it didn't you?
Well recently, I seemed to have stumbled into an odd position. My life is fitting perfectly together, i'm in search of a job, i'm hunting down a flat which should have me moving out in a few months, I have lovely dependable friends and a crush that is going well. It may not seem that much of an achievement but it is for me. I have had such an unstable life what with losing my family, my friends, my home and my money within a couple of months. Well the other night I stayed up until six in the morning, watching the sun rise. I was so relaxed and it made me realise how great life is at the moment. How all the pieces of the jigsaw I thought I had lost forever, have returned and seemed to fit better now than ever.
With no ties anywhere I found myself looking into work over seas and in places like the lake district. Looking at flats in places I have never been, and even doing things I wouldn't of dreamed of before. Why? Because I can! It's mad, and I may not have much money, but I have will power! A previously heavy...okay majorly over weight girl i'm now down to a healthy weight and still going down. I love it, and yes. Being able to run to the end of the road without running out of breath is an achievement. Especially for me. My favourite pass time? The gym! Ha! I know right? Me! My self confidence, after the recent heavy beating, has survived and returned with the help of my amazing friends helping me find my feet again. I used to spend many nights in my friends room, stressing out and crying. Everything seemed to be getting me down, every small issue felt like it was weighing me down bit by bit. Now? Well let's just say I went up there the other night, and for once it wasn't me stressing out.
Though my life sounds great, well to me, I think it may have given me issues. Commitment issues. Ouch, I know. Look ladies, it's not just guys that have them I swear! I have had to get used to not relying on anyone, with the thought that if anyone enters my life, that they could leave just easily. So now, I have a lovely guy that genuinley likes me, he is funny, and charming, yet I find myself panicking at his advances rather than accepting them. The thought of having someone always there doesn't relax me, it puts me on edge. Every touch, every smile, every flirting comment bounces off me. I have had to learn the very hard way not to trust anyone but yourself, and having someone tell me they will always be there for me? Well it's an empty promise. After losing my own family (Whether it be through untimely death or the abandonment that follows), my head lets me think everyone will leave me. My wall is always raised, and any loving moments I have are quickly closed off. There are about 2 people out there that know the real me, that I let see behind the wall. It's not pretty, but they are the people that help me rebuild it when it is knocked over once more by someone new.
Now i'm left wandering. Can I actually let anyone in again? The smallest statement scares me, the smallest sign of someone commiting makes me run for the hills. Don't get me wrong, I feel awful doing it. I end up hurting those that try, that may genuinley care, but I just can't. I feel like anyone new that enters my life, or even my heart, could risk this life I have built brick by brick on my own. I can't have anyone knock down my castle anymore, it was almost fatal last time.
They say, whoever "They" are, the first step is acceptance and acknowledgement. Well this is me, acknowledging it, to you fabulous people. I hope you don't mind. I guess my advice to anyone out there, who I hope haven't been through what I have or worse, that have their family and friends close, is to keep them there. You may get sick of your parents nagging at you, but what would you do if they suddenly weren't there? Trust me, I know. It's rough as hell. You may get sick of your friends letting you down, and the little arguemtns you have, but when you are faced with living on the streets and you have no friend there that will take care of you? You'll appreciate them then.
To all of you poor souls, who are as broken as me? To any poor soul without family, without friends, without the love of your life, i'm with you. It's a rough ride in life if you have to fight for everything you own; but we will get there. A wise guy told me once that life is like a rollercoaster. It wouldn't be fun without the ups and downs. And hey! Us guys on the bottom? The only way is up!
As for me, i'm sure my mind will eventually let me to at least create a doorway in my wall for someone special, but until then? I guess i'm just hoping that people will stick by and help me build it.
Happy Readings
Chann
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