Up up and away

Have you ever been so scared that your disaster of a life, could get worse if you don't get everything sorted, that you could be homeless, penniless and without contact with everyone? I have. Tonight is the last night of reliance on my friend to put me up and feed me.

As I have mentioned in one of my other posts my mum is in hospital, and I have been told rudely by my family that I will no longer be living with my mum, that she herself is moving out of my childhood home when she comes out to stay in a carers bungalow, and that I have got no where to live. For quite sometime my friend has helped me out by feeding and homing me, but after this putting him debt I have had to move on. 

To do so I have had to declare myself homeless officially, and ask for help everywhere I can get it. Tomorrow night I will be moved into a mysterious location, could be a flat or a hostel or anything, and that's it. I'm left to start my life all over again. Build it all from scratch and get everything sorted and to be quite honest? I'm terrified. 

I have awful nerves, and being on my own, even in my own house, creeps the hell out of me, so being moved into a complete mystery place on my own is such an ominous prospect that I don't know how i'm going to handle it.  Especially moving in with no money and no furniture. I'm not going to harp on like my life is the hardest ever, I know there are some people out there that aren't lucky to get the help that I have, (I spent hours on the office phone to get it), I know that things can always be worse but it's making me realize what really is important. 

I used to think that a raving social life, a nice wardrobe and other menial things were important and it sounds cheesy but now I know what really is. It comes to a point when you realize that all of the things you took for granted like a roof, food and water are actually the things you need the most, and you notice it most when you are faced with the prospect of no longer having them. 

Tomorrow is a big day, it's the start of something new that I am absolutely terrified of, but you know what? I've said it before, we should always do the thing that scares us the most and that is exactly what i'm going to do. I can say this for sure though, I am never going to lose perspective again, or forget those who have helped me out so much. 

Wish me luck!

Chann 

Over thinking, we all do it!

Looking back through the past, and thinking of all of those things we should of have done is something that will plagues everyone’s mind at some point in their life, the chances we should have taken, the person we should have appreciated a bit more, the friend we should have forgiven or even that party we should have gone to, but is looking back and wondering bad for us?

One of my close friends did this lately with a past love. They had attempted a relationship before, and it had gone relatively well, but they broke after deciding that they didn’t mesh as well as they thought they would. This week however she was faced with a decision. Her past love popped back up to say hey, they always spoke but this time, he confessed that he liked her. Now this led her mind to spiral out of control, thinking of times they had together in the past, the laughter and the fun. Of course she had the nostalgia goggles on, but she spent the entire week thinking.

Now one of the thoughts that crossed her mind was, should she go for it, even after seeing that it didn’t work last time? I suppose this would be a thought that would cross everyone’s mind path at some point in the situation, but what would you choose? They never had any particular problems and they broke up over natural causes, so what was stopping her?

Two words. Over thinking. If you are faced with a decision that could effectively change your future, you will do the normal thing, and over think things. Should I buy that top that will make me broke? Should I take that trip? Should I talk to that person? Or in my friends case?  Should I give it another go? You will sit there all day thinking, wondering, trying to picture what could happen if you took that chance, or even if you didn’t. It sucks, but we all do it. Of course after listening to all of my friends worries and questions, and found out that although she had doubts, she did want to give it a go, and I advised her to do so, but what should the rest of us do in this situation?

Well my first piece of advice is to find someone you trust and tell them your worries, a true friend can tell within seconds what decision you are going to make and can save you a lot of time over thinking, but mostly I say go for it! When it comes to relationships and friendships, something to do with another person I say go for it. What’s the harm in trying? Unless the decision is over something that involves your bank balance, I say take a chance! I’m a big believer in that chances are there to be taken, and you should!

So next time you’re in a jam, take that chance! You never know what might come from it!

Chann

One joke is enough.

Have you ever noticed how just one event, one comment, one joke can plummet your confidence six feet under? Being bullied for years throughout my education toughened me up, made me be confident as to not let them get to me. My self esteem grew, I actually liked how I looked, how I was, and let me just say. It felt great. I'd roll out of bed, put on whatever, and walk out of the house with my head held high.

Now however, it's a different story. When trust is broken, you start to doubt yourself. Entrusting yourself to someone, being the real you, is a big deal. Choosing not to put on make up one day, deciding to put on your sweats than a skirt or even just opening up about yourself. It's a massive deal! Some people can spend their life caked in makeup, dolled up, constantly looking their best and shut off from the world because it makes them feel confident. If that is what it takes to hold their head up high then they will do it, but if one day someone comes along that they love and trust enough to drop the routine then that shows complete trust. Some spouses say it's because they can't be bothered to make an effort anymore, but it's not that at all. It's  trust, and you should never take it lightly.If someone feels confident enough to be their complete self around you then that shows how much you mean to them.

What I absolutely hate is when someone trusts enough to let the mask slip, to be themselves, and it is received with constant jokes and ridicule. Fellas? One joke is enough. Pestering a girl to get naked and making a "jokey insult" when they do isn't funny, it's insulting. You may think you are being funny "teasing" all the time, but it's not. Don't get me wrong, i'm all for teasing when you both know it's a joke but when it's one sided? That's when it is bang out of order.

I'm not biased, it's the same for girls too. Giggling about your man's manhood sizing, or how they look is just as bad. For both sexes, these little "jokes" can be catastrophic against ones confidence. Imagine it's a scab, one scratch is fine, but keep itching and it's going to bleed. Your other half may not be perfect, but if they trust you enough to be themselves, appreciate it, don't mock it. One day may come where you reveal something that hurts to uncover, you wouldn't want them to mock it would you?

Remember! One joke is enough.

Chann

Bubble dreams and broken hearted

"You popped the heart seams on my bubble dreams"

We have all been there, fallen for the wrong person, the one you know you shouldn’t have. Spent months hoping you would change him, that he would realise how much he loves you, that he would just be who he originally said he would try to be. Then, there comes the day you realise, that isn’t going to happen. It could happen many ways, something he says, a lie he told you to cover his tracks, a text you weren’t meant to read, a conversation you weren’t meant to overhear or more. Your head rushes, why were you so easy as to be lead on, used that way? Why didn’t you get out of it when you had the strength before letting yourself get so hurt? Why are you still finding it hard to let go?

That’s it, it’s happened. There is a new girl in the mix, and you have been replaced with a new interest, you’re out of the situation. Your heart is now crushed, your head spinning with questions like “What did I do?” or “How can I fix this?”. Thing Is, you didn’t do anything. You were there for him when he needed it and vice versa, you know you love him truly and you have never denied this fact. Thing is, he doesn’t love you. Every time he has said it, it is out of habit, not true word and you need to accept it. Why did you hold onto the idea of you and him when you know it would never happen without a miracle?

Thing is, you are so angry but you know you can’t say anything. You weren’t supposed to stumble across that conversation, overhear it, read something, and see the truth behind a comment. Thing is you will feel so sick to the stomach that you let it happen. You believed those little lies, and that knight in shining armour you thought he was, has now been replaced with a lying weasel.

Now you are faced with a big decision. Face him, making him angry, you upset and ruining your friendship, or keep quiet, keep the peace until you get out. Personally I’d choose the second option, keeping quiet until I get out, but being careful to hide your emotions. Every time he says he loves you, don’t let it cut you. Don’t picture you and him happy, remember where your head is and run. Remember, you may be saying something great, but in your eyes you can see the truth.

I always believe that when one door closes, another opens. The gods take pity on those of the broken hearted and give them an exit from something awful, and open an entrance to something new. Giving you feelings you never thought still existed. The biggest thing? You can trust again in this new place, you can feel confident enough to step over the threshold and feel the warmth on your face. Don’t ever forget that. As hurt and heartbroken as you feel now? It’ll disappear with time.

Trust is a very precious thing, lies and deceit break this. If you are the one that broke it? You deserve to lose that person, just remember it was you that did it. Honesty is the best policy, and clearly it is not a policy of yours.

Chann

To lie or not to lie

Secrets. We all have them. The thing that you keep to yourself in order not hurt someone, not to reveal your true self, so you have that element of surprise. I will hold my hands up that I have kept many a secret in my time, but it occurred to me lately. Why do we do it? Holding back information and keeping secrets only leads us to lie to keep them hidden when asked about it. I am a complete hater of lies, and confuses me why, to keep a secret from someone, so you don't hurt them, you would lie, which in the end, upon discovery you would hurt them more. Lets face it, all lies come out int he end, and unless its a lie that you are not planning a surprise party when you are, it's not gonna end pretty.

I have been faced with the awful choice many times before, the choice between keeping the secret to myself and lying to cover my tracks, or telling the truth, knowing it would hurt the person. This one time I am thinking of, like many others before, I chose the wrong one. I kept it to myself. I lied to cover my tracks, and all was well. For a while. Questions cropped up, and I lied again, and to cover my lies, I lied again. Well you get the picture, and the picture wasn't pretty. You can judge me for that decision, but lets face it. We have all been there, even when we were young. Telling your mother that you didn't break your toy, that your sibling did it, and the imaginative story that came with that lie. It was easy right? Well I think that's when everyone realised that lying was the easy way out. Well I can clearly say, it is not.

Avoiding the truth, bending the truth, twisting the right, call it what you want, at the end of the day its lies. I know for a fact most people would rather be told the truth, no matter how infuriating it is than be lied to. An example of this is something more innocent. One of my friends opened up to me and my pal one night, whilst drunk, and admitted that he had fancied my closest friend at the time for all of his life. He admired her so much and couldn't speak highly enough of her. Well my pal decided to tell my closest friend what he had said, once everyone had sobered up. Her reaction was priceless. Turns out she had felt the same for quite sometime. What were the chances hey? Well she went straight to him and asked him if what was said was true. Well (lets call him Toby to save his embarrassment) Toby was faced with the decision that all of us fear. To lie or not to lie. Protect his ego, or take the highway. Well he, like many of us, chose to lie. He came up with a story to save his ego and went on his way. My friend was not happy at all. Thing is, his lie had the worst repercussions that he had no idea would happen. His lie, made everyone to believe that my pal and I were liars (although I hadn't told her about what was said, I was still involved as I was also told), losing us friends and causing alot of drama, it then also made my closest friend give up hope and end up dating a another friend of ours, losing any chances that he may have had.
Of course, over time all the issues were resolved, but recently he asked me about that event and I opened up to him about how he missed out. He was so angry that he had missed out on something great by lying.

This is the example I always think of when faced with the decision. To lie or not to lie. That moment someone asks you a question about that thing you are not sure whether you should reveal? Well you never know what the repercussions could be, that come hand in hand with a lie cover up story. How about, from now on, we all just say the truth? You never know when the truth can be in your favor.


Chann

Stop putting on that tiara, this isn't Disney! Grab your sword and run at it full on.

Female intuition, one of the strongest senses. We can take one look at a guy and decide whether he is a prince charming or an evil villain. We have been programmed since a young age to believe that fairy stories are true, and that one day, after battling an evil villain we will find our prince charming. When we were younger we aspired to be a Disney princess, and whether our career choice changed or not, we still never dropped the need to find our prince, or find ourselves one step closer after battling our 'villains', if we even manage it.

Lets be honest, we don't find many full blown villains in our day to day lives, other than the odd family member and friend, but in this day and age our 'villains' that stop us getting our prince can be anything like distance, money, commitment issues, sordid in-laws and even another woman. As difficult as these things are to sometimes over come we never give up, never surrender. Yet again we have been programmed to think that every villain has a weakness, that even if we prick our finger on that needle or take a bite out of that apple, our prince charming will come to the rescue.

What happens though if that servant boy can't save the princess? If your ugly step sisters foot did fit the shoe? Do we give up? Well the answer is yes. Don't get me wrong, we stick around, we try and wait it out, but to no avail. Thing is, in the stories, the prince always saved the day. The princess mucks around, trying to live a double life as a servant girl and a princess, while the prince always has one thing on there mind. Her. Sadly in life this isn't true, not all princes have only a girl on there mind, well at least not always the same one. So what do we do? Sit in or tiara and hope that they will some day change? Or walk away?

Well this is where my favorite Disney princess comes into play, as in fact she isn't a princess at all. Mulan. A normal girl, who risks her life to save her father by posing as a man in the imperial army. She trains...With the aid of a cricket and a dragon...come on this is Disney after all... and becomes an amazing warrior. She battles through one of the greatest villains of china, even after revealing herself after sustaining an injury, and guess what? She gets the army general, and quite frankly my favorite 'prince' of them all by purely being herself, and she didn't even focus on getting him! How bad ass is that? Oh and the best part? It's a true story.

I guess what I am trying to say is, why are we spending all our time trying to battle our demons, to get a prince? Or worse, waiting for the prince to do it for us? I think it is time that we all took our lives into our own hands and realised that the prince isn't everything. Use your intuition skills to help the army, not to find a ballgown. So everyone? Stop putting on that tiara, this isn't Disney! Pick up your sword and run into battle.



Chann

Twitter @wackyjacky1994

We fear change

Moving on in life is one of the scariest things you can do. Whether it is moving house, changing schools, travelling alone, a new job, or even a new relationship. It's a known fact that we fear change.

It's like the night before you start high school. You are starting education in a brand new place, with new people, in a brand new unknown place. Can you remember the nerves of walking to the bus stop? I can. I was sat next to my toilet, thinking I was going to hurl through the fear. My dad sat on the bath next to me, trying to calm me down, but what could he say? Don't worry Jacqui, you may get lost, you may fall out with lots of new people, you may break down with nerves...but! You have to do it for years yet so get used to it? Thing is, I had no choice but to suck it up that day, and of course my first day wasn't as bad as I thought. It led me to think though, how many times have I let nerves get into the way of me doing something?

Nerves have definantly stopped me doing many social things, I remember the night before my first house party. I was invited to join a friend the next day in a full blown house party. I only knew a few people and there would be alcohol galore. Now, at the age of 16 believe it or not I had not been to many social gatherings, and I had only drunk alcohol with either my family or on one occasion with my friend, when I got drunk for the first time. I was so nervous, and I wasn't sure how I would adapt to the situation. I stood at the end of my mum's bed, hanging off the bedpost and confessed my fear, how nervous I was. What my mum should have done was assure me that things would be fine, and calm my nerves, but my mum is way too conservative, and would rather I sat indoors on my own, safe, than go out. She decided to notch up my nerves, telling me a fake story about her friend who got hurt at a party, and then said 'it was up to me'. It was never up to me, lets face it. When your mother gives you a choice, if you don't side with them your choice is wrong and you will pay for it. I didn't go, and I felt so much more relaxed. If I had of gone however, I would have met my favorite actor from the soaps that night. He had turned up at the party as he was a relation to the hostess. I kicked myself for ages for chickening out.

Maybe a more relatable example of the fear of change that we have, is dying your hair. That day you decide you want to go blonde, or pink or ginger. A big permanent change, that everyone will see if it goes wrong. You can be so sure that you want to do it, you can even book an appointment and sit down in front of a stylist with a picture in your hand, but the second they say 'are you sure' that's it. The fear kicks in. What if it goes wrong? What if it doesn't suit me? What if my hair falls out? To the even more ridiculous ones like what if I meet the love of my life and he hates the hair color? What if I have a job interview and they don't hire me because of it? Lets be honest, faced with the option to do a dramatic change or a safe option most of you out there will choose the safe one. Why do something dangerous when you could do something safe?

My best friend Megan is going travelling by herself across the planet to Sweden,  Brazil and Portugal  She has never done it before and has booked things last minute. She has so much guts, and I admire her for it. I don't think I could do it, for one I am scared of planes, so that is a challenge in itself, but being on your own in a strange place, you have no idea where you are going or even how to communicate with them. The thought that instead of waking up in my own comfy bed, waking up in a tent somewhere in the middle of a strange country. Lets be honest. That takes balls.

Thinking over it, I think it's time I, and all of you, took charge of our lives and do something different. Something that involves change, doing that thing that scares you that you haven't had the guts to do. I'm not that kind of person that says do something that scares you everyday, because lets face it. Who does that? Unless you spend every day watching horror films, but I think if now and again, we took that thing that scares us the most. That job we want to take, that place we want to go, that person we want to commit to, that hair color we want to go, and stare it right in the eyes, and do it! It might take time, Rome wasn't built in a day, but think about it. How much more relaxed are you going to be, and happier! That one thing will no longer be holding you back, and the quicker we face it, the quicker we will no longer fear change.

For me? Well I just hope to take a leaf out of Austin Powers' book and admit that 'I too like to live dangerously'.

Chann

Any comments or suggestions, feel free to tweet me @wackyjacky1994