Up up and away

Have you ever been so scared that your disaster of a life, could get worse if you don't get everything sorted, that you could be homeless, penniless and without contact with everyone? I have. Tonight is the last night of reliance on my friend to put me up and feed me.

As I have mentioned in one of my other posts my mum is in hospital, and I have been told rudely by my family that I will no longer be living with my mum, that she herself is moving out of my childhood home when she comes out to stay in a carers bungalow, and that I have got no where to live. For quite sometime my friend has helped me out by feeding and homing me, but after this putting him debt I have had to move on. 

To do so I have had to declare myself homeless officially, and ask for help everywhere I can get it. Tomorrow night I will be moved into a mysterious location, could be a flat or a hostel or anything, and that's it. I'm left to start my life all over again. Build it all from scratch and get everything sorted and to be quite honest? I'm terrified. 

I have awful nerves, and being on my own, even in my own house, creeps the hell out of me, so being moved into a complete mystery place on my own is such an ominous prospect that I don't know how i'm going to handle it.  Especially moving in with no money and no furniture. I'm not going to harp on like my life is the hardest ever, I know there are some people out there that aren't lucky to get the help that I have, (I spent hours on the office phone to get it), I know that things can always be worse but it's making me realize what really is important. 

I used to think that a raving social life, a nice wardrobe and other menial things were important and it sounds cheesy but now I know what really is. It comes to a point when you realize that all of the things you took for granted like a roof, food and water are actually the things you need the most, and you notice it most when you are faced with the prospect of no longer having them. 

Tomorrow is a big day, it's the start of something new that I am absolutely terrified of, but you know what? I've said it before, we should always do the thing that scares us the most and that is exactly what i'm going to do. I can say this for sure though, I am never going to lose perspective again, or forget those who have helped me out so much. 

Wish me luck!

Chann 

Over thinking, we all do it!

Looking back through the past, and thinking of all of those things we should of have done is something that will plagues everyone’s mind at some point in their life, the chances we should have taken, the person we should have appreciated a bit more, the friend we should have forgiven or even that party we should have gone to, but is looking back and wondering bad for us?

One of my close friends did this lately with a past love. They had attempted a relationship before, and it had gone relatively well, but they broke after deciding that they didn’t mesh as well as they thought they would. This week however she was faced with a decision. Her past love popped back up to say hey, they always spoke but this time, he confessed that he liked her. Now this led her mind to spiral out of control, thinking of times they had together in the past, the laughter and the fun. Of course she had the nostalgia goggles on, but she spent the entire week thinking.

Now one of the thoughts that crossed her mind was, should she go for it, even after seeing that it didn’t work last time? I suppose this would be a thought that would cross everyone’s mind path at some point in the situation, but what would you choose? They never had any particular problems and they broke up over natural causes, so what was stopping her?

Two words. Over thinking. If you are faced with a decision that could effectively change your future, you will do the normal thing, and over think things. Should I buy that top that will make me broke? Should I take that trip? Should I talk to that person? Or in my friends case?  Should I give it another go? You will sit there all day thinking, wondering, trying to picture what could happen if you took that chance, or even if you didn’t. It sucks, but we all do it. Of course after listening to all of my friends worries and questions, and found out that although she had doubts, she did want to give it a go, and I advised her to do so, but what should the rest of us do in this situation?

Well my first piece of advice is to find someone you trust and tell them your worries, a true friend can tell within seconds what decision you are going to make and can save you a lot of time over thinking, but mostly I say go for it! When it comes to relationships and friendships, something to do with another person I say go for it. What’s the harm in trying? Unless the decision is over something that involves your bank balance, I say take a chance! I’m a big believer in that chances are there to be taken, and you should!

So next time you’re in a jam, take that chance! You never know what might come from it!

Chann

One joke is enough.

Have you ever noticed how just one event, one comment, one joke can plummet your confidence six feet under? Being bullied for years throughout my education toughened me up, made me be confident as to not let them get to me. My self esteem grew, I actually liked how I looked, how I was, and let me just say. It felt great. I'd roll out of bed, put on whatever, and walk out of the house with my head held high.

Now however, it's a different story. When trust is broken, you start to doubt yourself. Entrusting yourself to someone, being the real you, is a big deal. Choosing not to put on make up one day, deciding to put on your sweats than a skirt or even just opening up about yourself. It's a massive deal! Some people can spend their life caked in makeup, dolled up, constantly looking their best and shut off from the world because it makes them feel confident. If that is what it takes to hold their head up high then they will do it, but if one day someone comes along that they love and trust enough to drop the routine then that shows complete trust. Some spouses say it's because they can't be bothered to make an effort anymore, but it's not that at all. It's  trust, and you should never take it lightly.If someone feels confident enough to be their complete self around you then that shows how much you mean to them.

What I absolutely hate is when someone trusts enough to let the mask slip, to be themselves, and it is received with constant jokes and ridicule. Fellas? One joke is enough. Pestering a girl to get naked and making a "jokey insult" when they do isn't funny, it's insulting. You may think you are being funny "teasing" all the time, but it's not. Don't get me wrong, i'm all for teasing when you both know it's a joke but when it's one sided? That's when it is bang out of order.

I'm not biased, it's the same for girls too. Giggling about your man's manhood sizing, or how they look is just as bad. For both sexes, these little "jokes" can be catastrophic against ones confidence. Imagine it's a scab, one scratch is fine, but keep itching and it's going to bleed. Your other half may not be perfect, but if they trust you enough to be themselves, appreciate it, don't mock it. One day may come where you reveal something that hurts to uncover, you wouldn't want them to mock it would you?

Remember! One joke is enough.

Chann

Bubble dreams and broken hearted

"You popped the heart seams on my bubble dreams"

We have all been there, fallen for the wrong person, the one you know you shouldn’t have. Spent months hoping you would change him, that he would realise how much he loves you, that he would just be who he originally said he would try to be. Then, there comes the day you realise, that isn’t going to happen. It could happen many ways, something he says, a lie he told you to cover his tracks, a text you weren’t meant to read, a conversation you weren’t meant to overhear or more. Your head rushes, why were you so easy as to be lead on, used that way? Why didn’t you get out of it when you had the strength before letting yourself get so hurt? Why are you still finding it hard to let go?

That’s it, it’s happened. There is a new girl in the mix, and you have been replaced with a new interest, you’re out of the situation. Your heart is now crushed, your head spinning with questions like “What did I do?” or “How can I fix this?”. Thing Is, you didn’t do anything. You were there for him when he needed it and vice versa, you know you love him truly and you have never denied this fact. Thing is, he doesn’t love you. Every time he has said it, it is out of habit, not true word and you need to accept it. Why did you hold onto the idea of you and him when you know it would never happen without a miracle?

Thing is, you are so angry but you know you can’t say anything. You weren’t supposed to stumble across that conversation, overhear it, read something, and see the truth behind a comment. Thing is you will feel so sick to the stomach that you let it happen. You believed those little lies, and that knight in shining armour you thought he was, has now been replaced with a lying weasel.

Now you are faced with a big decision. Face him, making him angry, you upset and ruining your friendship, or keep quiet, keep the peace until you get out. Personally I’d choose the second option, keeping quiet until I get out, but being careful to hide your emotions. Every time he says he loves you, don’t let it cut you. Don’t picture you and him happy, remember where your head is and run. Remember, you may be saying something great, but in your eyes you can see the truth.

I always believe that when one door closes, another opens. The gods take pity on those of the broken hearted and give them an exit from something awful, and open an entrance to something new. Giving you feelings you never thought still existed. The biggest thing? You can trust again in this new place, you can feel confident enough to step over the threshold and feel the warmth on your face. Don’t ever forget that. As hurt and heartbroken as you feel now? It’ll disappear with time.

Trust is a very precious thing, lies and deceit break this. If you are the one that broke it? You deserve to lose that person, just remember it was you that did it. Honesty is the best policy, and clearly it is not a policy of yours.

Chann

To lie or not to lie

Secrets. We all have them. The thing that you keep to yourself in order not hurt someone, not to reveal your true self, so you have that element of surprise. I will hold my hands up that I have kept many a secret in my time, but it occurred to me lately. Why do we do it? Holding back information and keeping secrets only leads us to lie to keep them hidden when asked about it. I am a complete hater of lies, and confuses me why, to keep a secret from someone, so you don't hurt them, you would lie, which in the end, upon discovery you would hurt them more. Lets face it, all lies come out int he end, and unless its a lie that you are not planning a surprise party when you are, it's not gonna end pretty.

I have been faced with the awful choice many times before, the choice between keeping the secret to myself and lying to cover my tracks, or telling the truth, knowing it would hurt the person. This one time I am thinking of, like many others before, I chose the wrong one. I kept it to myself. I lied to cover my tracks, and all was well. For a while. Questions cropped up, and I lied again, and to cover my lies, I lied again. Well you get the picture, and the picture wasn't pretty. You can judge me for that decision, but lets face it. We have all been there, even when we were young. Telling your mother that you didn't break your toy, that your sibling did it, and the imaginative story that came with that lie. It was easy right? Well I think that's when everyone realised that lying was the easy way out. Well I can clearly say, it is not.

Avoiding the truth, bending the truth, twisting the right, call it what you want, at the end of the day its lies. I know for a fact most people would rather be told the truth, no matter how infuriating it is than be lied to. An example of this is something more innocent. One of my friends opened up to me and my pal one night, whilst drunk, and admitted that he had fancied my closest friend at the time for all of his life. He admired her so much and couldn't speak highly enough of her. Well my pal decided to tell my closest friend what he had said, once everyone had sobered up. Her reaction was priceless. Turns out she had felt the same for quite sometime. What were the chances hey? Well she went straight to him and asked him if what was said was true. Well (lets call him Toby to save his embarrassment) Toby was faced with the decision that all of us fear. To lie or not to lie. Protect his ego, or take the highway. Well he, like many of us, chose to lie. He came up with a story to save his ego and went on his way. My friend was not happy at all. Thing is, his lie had the worst repercussions that he had no idea would happen. His lie, made everyone to believe that my pal and I were liars (although I hadn't told her about what was said, I was still involved as I was also told), losing us friends and causing alot of drama, it then also made my closest friend give up hope and end up dating a another friend of ours, losing any chances that he may have had.
Of course, over time all the issues were resolved, but recently he asked me about that event and I opened up to him about how he missed out. He was so angry that he had missed out on something great by lying.

This is the example I always think of when faced with the decision. To lie or not to lie. That moment someone asks you a question about that thing you are not sure whether you should reveal? Well you never know what the repercussions could be, that come hand in hand with a lie cover up story. How about, from now on, we all just say the truth? You never know when the truth can be in your favor.


Chann

Stop putting on that tiara, this isn't Disney! Grab your sword and run at it full on.

Female intuition, one of the strongest senses. We can take one look at a guy and decide whether he is a prince charming or an evil villain. We have been programmed since a young age to believe that fairy stories are true, and that one day, after battling an evil villain we will find our prince charming. When we were younger we aspired to be a Disney princess, and whether our career choice changed or not, we still never dropped the need to find our prince, or find ourselves one step closer after battling our 'villains', if we even manage it.

Lets be honest, we don't find many full blown villains in our day to day lives, other than the odd family member and friend, but in this day and age our 'villains' that stop us getting our prince can be anything like distance, money, commitment issues, sordid in-laws and even another woman. As difficult as these things are to sometimes over come we never give up, never surrender. Yet again we have been programmed to think that every villain has a weakness, that even if we prick our finger on that needle or take a bite out of that apple, our prince charming will come to the rescue.

What happens though if that servant boy can't save the princess? If your ugly step sisters foot did fit the shoe? Do we give up? Well the answer is yes. Don't get me wrong, we stick around, we try and wait it out, but to no avail. Thing is, in the stories, the prince always saved the day. The princess mucks around, trying to live a double life as a servant girl and a princess, while the prince always has one thing on there mind. Her. Sadly in life this isn't true, not all princes have only a girl on there mind, well at least not always the same one. So what do we do? Sit in or tiara and hope that they will some day change? Or walk away?

Well this is where my favorite Disney princess comes into play, as in fact she isn't a princess at all. Mulan. A normal girl, who risks her life to save her father by posing as a man in the imperial army. She trains...With the aid of a cricket and a dragon...come on this is Disney after all... and becomes an amazing warrior. She battles through one of the greatest villains of china, even after revealing herself after sustaining an injury, and guess what? She gets the army general, and quite frankly my favorite 'prince' of them all by purely being herself, and she didn't even focus on getting him! How bad ass is that? Oh and the best part? It's a true story.

I guess what I am trying to say is, why are we spending all our time trying to battle our demons, to get a prince? Or worse, waiting for the prince to do it for us? I think it is time that we all took our lives into our own hands and realised that the prince isn't everything. Use your intuition skills to help the army, not to find a ballgown. So everyone? Stop putting on that tiara, this isn't Disney! Pick up your sword and run into battle.



Chann

Twitter @wackyjacky1994

We fear change

Moving on in life is one of the scariest things you can do. Whether it is moving house, changing schools, travelling alone, a new job, or even a new relationship. It's a known fact that we fear change.

It's like the night before you start high school. You are starting education in a brand new place, with new people, in a brand new unknown place. Can you remember the nerves of walking to the bus stop? I can. I was sat next to my toilet, thinking I was going to hurl through the fear. My dad sat on the bath next to me, trying to calm me down, but what could he say? Don't worry Jacqui, you may get lost, you may fall out with lots of new people, you may break down with nerves...but! You have to do it for years yet so get used to it? Thing is, I had no choice but to suck it up that day, and of course my first day wasn't as bad as I thought. It led me to think though, how many times have I let nerves get into the way of me doing something?

Nerves have definantly stopped me doing many social things, I remember the night before my first house party. I was invited to join a friend the next day in a full blown house party. I only knew a few people and there would be alcohol galore. Now, at the age of 16 believe it or not I had not been to many social gatherings, and I had only drunk alcohol with either my family or on one occasion with my friend, when I got drunk for the first time. I was so nervous, and I wasn't sure how I would adapt to the situation. I stood at the end of my mum's bed, hanging off the bedpost and confessed my fear, how nervous I was. What my mum should have done was assure me that things would be fine, and calm my nerves, but my mum is way too conservative, and would rather I sat indoors on my own, safe, than go out. She decided to notch up my nerves, telling me a fake story about her friend who got hurt at a party, and then said 'it was up to me'. It was never up to me, lets face it. When your mother gives you a choice, if you don't side with them your choice is wrong and you will pay for it. I didn't go, and I felt so much more relaxed. If I had of gone however, I would have met my favorite actor from the soaps that night. He had turned up at the party as he was a relation to the hostess. I kicked myself for ages for chickening out.

Maybe a more relatable example of the fear of change that we have, is dying your hair. That day you decide you want to go blonde, or pink or ginger. A big permanent change, that everyone will see if it goes wrong. You can be so sure that you want to do it, you can even book an appointment and sit down in front of a stylist with a picture in your hand, but the second they say 'are you sure' that's it. The fear kicks in. What if it goes wrong? What if it doesn't suit me? What if my hair falls out? To the even more ridiculous ones like what if I meet the love of my life and he hates the hair color? What if I have a job interview and they don't hire me because of it? Lets be honest, faced with the option to do a dramatic change or a safe option most of you out there will choose the safe one. Why do something dangerous when you could do something safe?

My best friend Megan is going travelling by herself across the planet to Sweden,  Brazil and Portugal  She has never done it before and has booked things last minute. She has so much guts, and I admire her for it. I don't think I could do it, for one I am scared of planes, so that is a challenge in itself, but being on your own in a strange place, you have no idea where you are going or even how to communicate with them. The thought that instead of waking up in my own comfy bed, waking up in a tent somewhere in the middle of a strange country. Lets be honest. That takes balls.

Thinking over it, I think it's time I, and all of you, took charge of our lives and do something different. Something that involves change, doing that thing that scares you that you haven't had the guts to do. I'm not that kind of person that says do something that scares you everyday, because lets face it. Who does that? Unless you spend every day watching horror films, but I think if now and again, we took that thing that scares us the most. That job we want to take, that place we want to go, that person we want to commit to, that hair color we want to go, and stare it right in the eyes, and do it! It might take time, Rome wasn't built in a day, but think about it. How much more relaxed are you going to be, and happier! That one thing will no longer be holding you back, and the quicker we face it, the quicker we will no longer fear change.

For me? Well I just hope to take a leaf out of Austin Powers' book and admit that 'I too like to live dangerously'.

Chann

Any comments or suggestions, feel free to tweet me @wackyjacky1994

Commitment? ...*runs away*

Commitment. Scary word huh? So many people run for the hills when they hear it, grabbing as many one night stands on their way as they can. At some point in your life you, if you haven't already, will run away from that oh so scary word, panicking that you are too young, that you want to 'Live your life' or that you enjoy being single more. I'm no exception. When I left a quite serious relationship all I wanted to do was 'have fun' and date, but whenever someone wanted to make it permanent I ran. Don't get me wrong, they were lovely people but I just couldn't take the 'C' word. That phase passed eventually, and part of me realised that I wanted to settle down and find someone nice at last, but my fear of a relationship before had knocked me off the radar of any 'prince charming's in my area.

My friends often tell me how they are happy to be a 'Single pringle' and that all they want to do is party, and flirt and chat to the opposite sex, and that they enjoy the freedom. Well I have come to the conclusion that you don't have to be in a relationship to be 'tied down', and I personally think that they will become less and less relevant as time goes by. Take being single for instance. You are tied down, to the fact that no one will take you as a relationship type if you just fool around, that instead of movie nights in curled up with a spouse, you are tied to the fact that, to fit the stereo type of being single, you must go out on the town, or go on countless blind dates.

If you are more of a laid back singleton, where you devote time to 'what will be, will be', surviving off the odd new number or random adds on Facebook, then you are tied to hope. Faith that you will find someone but you don't want to go out and find them yourself. Hanging with friends instead of nights out around the town sounds great,  until those surrounding you start to find the attraction to the 'c' word and you become the third wheel. Mate nights become Couples and You nights. Not as fun huh? The longer you wait, the less hope you have, and doubt kicks in. You start asking for advice off friends and even to be set up with someone. Then removing you from the laid back singleton category and forcing you into the dating scene.

Lets be honest, it's slim pickings out there. What are the chances that you will find someone with all the qualities, give or take a few, outside your door? I mean i'm still waiting for Johnny Depp to come knocking, but i'm starting to lose hope.

Of course, you could be one of them that wants both worlds. A friend with 'benefits'. The freedom to chat and date anyone you want to, but to have that person to cuddle up to when you get back. It sounds all fine and dandy until that 'c' word creeps back in again. Feelings can only stay away for so long, and at some point you will find yourself asking what if? No one gives the 'other person' enough credit. There will always be one that feels for the other a bit more. They are the one that is always there for you, treats you as their own, trusts you with everything, only to watch you walk away with someone else. They tell you how they are looking for their someone, and you are left wandering why you weren't considered. The one that has been there the whole time? I guess when you finally get your sense back, it makes you more eager to find someone, this time, who only wants you.

Some people are single through fear of rejection, or betrayal. This I understand completely and it's what worries me when starting a new relationship. I have been cheated and lied on more times than I care to say, it leaves you devastated, doubting yourself and in pieces. Why would you put yourself through that again I hear you say. Well I asked the same question to myself, over and over, and the answer? We're human. It's human to want to be wanted, and it's human to take chances. If things go wrong then it wasn't meant to be, and it's better to give it a proper chance and be hurt, and able to find someone who appreciates you, than to be with someone who doesn't.

The longer you are single the longer you realize, it's more of a commitment being single than in a relationship. I would rather be curled up with a boyfriend, cuppa and my cat on a night in, than out in the cold trying to aimlessly socialize over loud music and drunken slur. Nights on the game console, laughing and having fun, to being crushed in a crowded pub trying to meet new people. Sure it's fun at first, but after a while it become tiresome. When you think about it? Commitment doesn't sound so bad now does it?

Me? Oh i'm still single, waiting for my prince charming to arrive. I haven't given up hope, and I don't think I ever will. For now though it's just me and my cat and that is fine by me.


Chann


If you have any comments or suggestions, tweet me @wackyjacky1994

Sleep talking? Random slur or meaningful nonsense?

Sleep talking, at some point in our lives we have all done it. At some point we have all mumbled something in our sleep, to an empty room, an un-expecting partner, family or even your cat, but does it mean anything. Can it show something about the person we didn't already know? I think it's a yes and a no.

One typical night at home, back in my primary school days, I decided to have an early night after being shocked in the day about the terrors of your first sex ed class. Drifting off to sleep I had no idea the terror I was about to put my parents through. My messed up young brain decided that it was time that I got up from my bed, grabbed a tampon, and a glass of water and wander downstairs in my sleep, to hand my possessions to my confused mother and ask this question. "Did you know that if you put a 7 pound note in water it goes poof?". I realize it was a very strange thing to do but it somehow made sense to me. I then turned on my heel and trotted back upstairs mumbling about cats. That was my first ever sleep talk and walk and it wasn't my last either. The only thing I think shows anything about me is that I grew up to be a crazy cat obsessed girl, although i'm betting people already saw that coming.

Although my sleep talking was odd, it is nothing in comparison to my friend Pinkie's recent antics at night. My sleep pattern being so erratic I often lay awake while he snores madly beside me, this was all fine until he started to get restless at night and that is when the talking started. For reading Pinkie wears glasses, and of course takes them off at nighttime, but one night, fast asleep he started rubbing his face and moaning that he had left his glasses on. I checked his face to my lack of surprise that he had taken them off before but he was still insistent that they were there. Another time, while I was scanning through Facebook he started kissing my cheek. I thought he was awake and was just being sweet until I turned to the side to see his eyes were shut. He then proclaimed an unfinished sentence that we are still trying to figure out what it means, in what sounded like a drunken slur  "I never thought...and with you!" He then cuddled back up and went back into a deep sleep. Could this mean an undying love for me? Doubt it. Though whatever it is it clearly surprised him and made him happy. Bless him. The most recent and crazy thing he has done is proclaiming that he is batman. Oh yes, Pinkie seems to believe that he is a superhero, and sat up in his sleep to tell me, twice, that he was the batman. Do I believe him? Well lets just say, I have never seen them both in the same room together, so who knows?

My cousin is a massive sleep talker. For some reason she likes to have massive conversations about random things in her sleep with whatever person she can get up and find. One night, I will not forget, is the night she had a sleepover at mine. We lay in bed, me reading a book by phone light and Becky snoring softly beside me, only to hear the snoring stop and her rolling over to face me.Then the sentence escaped her mouth that started a whole night of conversation in her sleep. "Have you ever noticed how sometimes carrots remind you of animals? I once saw a carrot that looked like Peter Kay". I realize Peter Kay is not an animal, but for some reason she insisted that she owned a carrot that looked exactly like him. All night she talked about carrots, while I sat and listened to her. I was convinced she was awake and just chatting rubbish as her eyes were fully open but I realised all too late that she was asleep when she started pulling out my drawers to look for this famous carrot. She then passed out on the floor, gripping a plant pot that she had decided was this carrot. Honestly, I have no idea where it came from, but that night was random as hell.

I have had so many sleep overs in my time but it's fair to say not all of them involved sleep talkers. However the times that it does are entertaining to say the least. My old friend Carrie, wasn't a night talker, she was a moaner. Each night, would be spent with sexual noises echoing around my room. Not only would she moan but she would gyrate, which would leave me on the edge of the bed with a pillow over my head, begging that whoever she was dreaming of having sex with would finish pronto so I could get some sleep. I asked her once who it was that she dreamt of, and  she said she couldn't remember. I'm betting it was someone embarrassing like Gregg Wallace...Oh wait that was me. Anyway! When the day came that she got a boyfriend and her flower was taken the moaning stopped and instead it was replaced with the soft mumblings of her boyfriends name, which was sweet. Until the name changed to another lads... it's fair to say her relationship didn't last, I have no clue why...

So, to all the sleep talkers out there, unite! Scare the normal sleepers half to death with your mumblings about carrots and Batman, and just think. It might just be utter nonsense but it's a good way of getting the bed to yourself!

Chann

Weird Crush List - Part One

Well I mentioned in my last post that I have a few weird crushes, and well I thought it was time I proved how weird they really are. So here are a few that are the weirdest and most recent. Although I don't think they're that weird I am reassured all of the time that they are. Lets see if you agree!

1. Pewdiepie. You may know him as the you tube gamer, yes the one that screams alot. I think he is absolutely gorgeous and hilarious. I always watch his videos, and basically revolve my day around them. He has had alot of bad comments but I think he is absolutely awesome and I am proud to be one of his 'bro's'. 

2. Day9 aka Sean Plott. Some Starcraft players out there may know him as the castor who helps you 'be a better gamer'. He spends all week teaching you new skills and on a Friday he has a 'day off' where he live streams him playing a game of his choice. I am personally not a Starcraft player but I often watch my friend play it, and he introduced me to Day9. Since watching him I have seriously had an odd crush on him, and oddly he has been in many of my dreams. Although come on, admit it he is cute! 

3. Duff Goldman. Duff is the founder of a cake shop in Baltimore  and is the star of the programme Ace Of Cakes. His laugh is infectious and he is constantly coming up with weird mechanisms he can put in cakes. I have sat for 8 hours straight and all I have watched is his show until I seriously couldn't keep my eyes open. He is so chubby and cute and has helped so many charities in his work and I think it is really admirable. 

4. Adam Richman. He is the host of the programme Man Vs Food, and an absolute chubby angel. He is so funny, and I am oddly impressed with his ability to eat so much food! I'm not sure whether it's just him or the fact that he is usually holding gorgeous food, but he is so sweet that he is definantly one of my list. 

5. Imhotep. Why? I don't know. I warned you that they were weird! Imhotep is the main villain in The Mummy films, and I have grown up watching them. I'm not sure why but whenever I watch it I always end up grinning evilly at the screen when he does... yes I am aware that makes me weird but I accept this. 

6. Andy Samberg. If you don't know who he is, you are missing out. Andy is one of the three The Lonely Island boys. He has contributed in making such classics as Dick in a box, I'm on a boat, Motherlover and more. He is an absolute legend and I absolutely love him. I am constantly listening to their music and I am thoroughly looking forward to their new album.

7. Bane. The batman villain, played by Tom Hardy. He ...he is... Well he is absolutely gorgeous, and his voice just sends shivers down me. Me and my best friend Megan do share this weird crush, and although some people struggle to catch what he is saying I absolutely love him and I find him stupidly attractive! 

8. Greg Wallace. Okay, I know what you are thinking....Yes it is the chubby bald guy from Masterchef. Where the song 'buttery biscuit base' came from, and yes... I have got an odd thing for him. Don't look at me like that! I told you I fancy odd people... Yes I know most people's grandmothers like him but hey! You'd never eat at a dodgy restaurant!

Well that is the first part of my weird crush list. Let me know if you want to see more! ...Don't judge me! Crushes aren't meant to make sense, they just happen! ... Okay gregg wallace is weird I accept this... buttery biscuit base...

Chann

Fuzzy feelings, music lies.

Isn't it odd how a song, just one, can evoke so many memories that they can change your complete mood? Memories of childhood, past friends, past relationships, future plans. Even if it is memories of someone you no longer like, like an ex partner, the music somehow makes you remember the good times not the bad.
Worst thing for me is that the most important stages in my life were partnered with a CD or a song, so listening to the radio can send me into a frenzy.

Listening to Chris brown, sends me back into the days with my ex. Sitting in the back of my brothers car when we shared our first kiss, hours of phone calls and days out and lots of laughter. When listening to it my brain can't seem to remember the arguments, the lying and the nights of crying. I have no idea why this is, but i'm sure it is true for most of you. Most relationships I have had have been paired with a song, and each one sends me thinking. One song is all it takes.

I was made a mix CD by an old friend which I always played on the way to my holiday, it takes me back to sitting in the car with mum while we danced to odd songs that you would never connect to my mum. We danced and sung our way to the holiday every year, and it always seemed to be most prominent in my memories when we finally arrived in Porthmadog. Driving into the town, past the steam train, past the harbor  through all the shops filled with surfing equipment and welsh nick nacks. Window down, sun blaring against my face, even making my hand a dolphin through the window. Admit it! We have all done it at one point! It was just pure happiness. Every time I play those songs it makes me happy, and I sit enveloped in my own world.

Def Leppard, Fleetwood Mac and Meatloaf. Classics that I will not forget in a hurry. Why? Well it's because when I was growing up, my mum and dad only used to listen to music in the car, and that was all they would play. Every day trip out with them both, every car journey they used to play them none stop. Although my memory is not the strongest from when I was younger I always remember the days I used to sit in the backseat of the car, in my rugby fleece (my dad had a matching one), cuddled up with my teddy monkey called Sidney (Which I refuse to get rid of even at 18), listening to my mum and dad talk, laugh and smile at each other. These are precious memories to me as my dad passed away when  I was in my early teens. Every time I find myself missing him or even my mum (as she is in hospital and has been for a while) I stick on these songs and remember times of old.

Although it's great to remember all the good times, music tricks you. A song from an ex relationship will remind you of nothing but good times, and that warm fuzzy feeling you get from listening to it? Well it's a lie. In your head, you know that it is in an ex relationship for a good reason but your heart tells you otherwise. I mean, it's like music is making you think - so many good things happened! Why did you throw it away again? What did you do wrong? Maybe you should text them or something... Ignore it! It's a lie, and that warm fuzzy feeling you have? Well it will vanish the second you realize you have made the mistake of going back. The reason I wrote this, was due to a very good friend pondering. What went wrong? Was it his fault? To my lack of surprise he was listening to their song and over thinking. After a little while of trying to convince him, he finally turned off the song, and saw sense.

So everyone, I think it's time. Pick up your laptop, phone, Ipod, cheap knock off of anything I just said and look at your music list. Go to that song/album that you know only sends you into a meltdown, gets you thinking of them, that you save just in case and press delete. Go on, I'm waiting... Okay. I'm going to have to trust you on this one.

Music is there to bring you back memories or even make you look forward to the future, but lets stick to the positives! If you aren't looking back and smiling, then why are you doing it at all? That warm fuzzy feeling you get, won't last. Save it for something that will make it stick.


Me? Oh I deleted my album a while back. Too many mistakes to think of it again. It has, however been replaced with another. A more happier version and to be quite honest? The fuzzy feeling hasn't left me since.

Chann

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Beauty. It comes in many shapes and sizes. Who are we to judge what is or isn't beautiful? I personally think everyone is, in their own way, and I know that sentence is overplayed and overused but I truly do think it's so. Have you ever looked at someone and found them so over overwhelmingly attractive and well, beautiful that it sometimes takes you by surprise  That you stare at them trying to comprehend it, (which usually makes them react with odd looks) but your friends just can't seem to figure out why? I have. Many times. My best friend Megan has often put me in my place, and told me who she thinks I am barmy to find attractive, but hey! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder right?

I have had many crushes over the years, some from the t.v, some in real life and to be quite honest I have an odd taste. For some reason which I just gather why, I have fancied those such as Duff Goldman, Imhotep, from the mummy, Bane from batman, even Greg Wallace from master chef! I do realize that there is a running theme in these people...bald and chubby but for some reason I can't resist a cute chubby guy! I have had that many crushes considered 'Odd' that Megan has made me a calender of all of them. 12 weird crushes that she just can't quite gather why. Well to be honest neither can I. 

In life i'm just the same, I love a cute guy, who is smart and can make me laugh, looks are not important to me. This sometimes makes me end up liking some of the oddest guys in the world, that makes even my best friend cringe. This however helps me extremely. If beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder then there must be hope for the rest of us! It's not just the skinny, model styled people that get the dream happiness, so can we! It doesn't matter if you are a little round around the edges, if you aren't the brightest bulb in the bunch, if you have annoying habits or even if you just are unlucky in love. There is someone out there that likes all of that, the one who gets moaned at by their friends for their bad taste in partners, someone who looks at you trying to figure out why in the world do they like you but knowing at some point they have to say something. They could be anyone, someone you haven't met yet, a friend, an enemy but they are out there. The ones with the odd crushes. I am proud to say I am one of them. 

So guys, stop trying to fit in the stereotypical beauty and be your own! Be unique and be yourself, and trust me, you'll find someone that finds you beautiful, just as you are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder guys, so look around. They may even be watching now.

Chann

Unlikely friendships

Me (left) and my good friend Kimsy

When I started college I had no clue who I was going to mesh well with. I mean it was hairdressing! I'm the girl who takes 5 minutes in the morning to get ready, quick brush of the hair, throw some clothes on and go. Then I was surrounded by girls who spent ages getting ready, tanned and glossed, they were like a foreign species. I had to fit it in, I had no choice. Even the rule book said I had to wear makeup and make an effort.
It was weird and took me ages to get hang of. My mum insisted I would make friends and fit in eventually. I still laugh at that to this day. There was no way I was ever fitting in, but I blended in...slightly. Good enough!

Then I met a few girls who I got along with really well. I started to mesh well and found I wasn't the odd one out at last. I am so grateful to have them as friends and I will miss them now I have left.

I never thought that I would find such good friends in such an unlikely group. I mean, i'm the complete opposite of most of the girls in there, yet for some reason I meshed well. As much as the actual course annoyed me, the lack of things being learnt and how slow it progressed I  used to get up stupidly excited to see my friends. What with everything going on at home I needed a laugh and that is exactly what I got and i'm stupidly grateful.

Getting up in the morning got really hard for me at one point, i'm on my own. All the bills, debt, hospital trips, and more was all my responsibility  Constant arguments with my family until I had no one left. No one to rely on or cry to when I needed it. On top of that I was ill myself, throwing up blood and having a mix up with my medication making me even worse, I was stressed to the max. I needed a constant release, and a distraction and that is what I got from them.

I guess this is just a way of saying thanks to all those who kept me going at college when I needed it most.
Though my mum is still in hospital and I still have the stress I know now who is there for me and it means alot.

Special thank you to-
My close friend Kimsy, you are a constant laugh and a giggle. I love our skype chats at night and our girly days out, thanks for listening to me moan to you when I needed it!
Vicky - You are one the nicest girls I know and I always love having a giggle with you. The Chann loves you!
Orange! (You know who you are) - I always love teasing you and as much fake tan as you wear I love you (and baby orange) to pieces!
Dean - I know this doesn't count as you didn't go to my college but you have been there for me through all of this and I rely so much on you. Thank you for being my rock and for introducing me to wifi.

Thank you guys, You have no idea how much appreciate you guys.

Chann

Oh you don't like bad boys? Riiiiight.

Bad boys. Every girl has been there, that lad with the muscles, mysterious, the one that has the unknown past, the one you hope you can change, but I was thinking. Why do we go for the one that we hope we can change when we can go for one that suits us perfectly just the way he is? The 'perfect' guy comes in many forms. The one that makes you laugh, the one that wows you with facts, the one who can predict everything you need and knows when you need them the most. To the girls though, it sounds perfect but we don't want it straight away, and all of it from that one person. We want that mysterious guy first to experience the unknown aspects that come from romance films and then we want to change their personality completely to get what we want. Why? It is still unknown to me why we do this, but I will hold my hands too and admit that I too do it. The amount of guys I have thought about 'changing' only to find out that it is either impossible or that when you do they just aren't the same person anymore.

On the other hand going straight for a 'nice boy' can have the same effect. I dated a lad for a little while, lets call him James (as not to name and shame). I really fell for his charm, meeting him at a friend's party, he stood swilling whiskey and talking to everyone about music. He was witty and funny and kind and well, he was the Mr Darcy of girls fantasies. We hit it off straight away and soon started meeting and dating. I was whisked away into the world of fantasy. He was perfect and I didn't need to change him in the slightest. After a while though I started to doubt it, it was too easy, and I opened my eyes as to what was going on. He was perfect, the real Mr Darcy. Though sadly not for me. Turns out I fell for what I thought was perfection, what every girl wants, but apparently I didn't want it. He was clever, witty, handsome and kind but as many good things he had I couldn't stop thinking that we weren't right. It killed me, my brain was going crazy. How could he not be right? He was everything people write about and I found him, and he actually wanted me! I couldn't even explain to him what it was that I felt, what was I supposed to say? You're too perfect?

Well it's fair to say it didn't last, and I ended things. It got me thinking though. Maybe there is no such thing as good guys and bad guys, and the reason that we fall for the 'bad ones' is that we like the adventure. We like the unknown but as soon as we try and make them 'perfect' it fails as we all want that storybook happiness, and lets be honest? What is the chances of finding a knight in shining armor in this day and age?

Guys these days have their own dreams and aspirations, they have their own style and opinions. I admire them, and some of them are even searching for their own perfect girl. Thing is, you wouldn't want them to try and change you into someone you're not. It's hard. One of my exes did that very thing, he tried to make me someone I wasn't, tried to change my appearance, my goals in life and my dreams and it hurt to think someone I felt so much for couldn't take me as I was. It took a while to get over the pressure of changing myself, and I chose me. I ended things so I could be myself. I know that if I didn't I wouldn't be happy with myself, and lets face it. Would you? So why change the guy you like into someone that's 'perfect', making them sacrifice their life to complete your dreams, when you wouldn't do it yourself?

So girls, stop trying to find the perfect guy! Stop going for one that is clearly not it and trying to change it! Go for the one that makes you laugh and you are happy with. Everyone has flaws, but if you are willing to put them aside to be happy? Then that sounds pretty perfect to me. As for me? I stopped looking a while ago, but I've ran into a prince charming of my own. Hey! A girl can dream right?

Chann

P.s If you're wondering about the picture of Bane? It is the most recent 'Bad guy' crush that me and my best friend Megan have had. Don't look at me like that! Have you heard his voice? Those arms...

Future career? No idea

You know it still surprises me, even now, at 18, having gone through primary and high school and a few years of college how undeciding you can be about your future.

At age 8 I wanted to be a cowgirl like Jessie from toy story, I used to wear my full cowgirl outfit everyday until there were so many holes in it that my mother refused to let me out of the house in it, from fear of the neighbors talking, but even in my normal clothes I used to faithfully wear my cowgirl hat and strap my toy pistol to my waist. Just in case.

Around age 14 my dreams of being a cowgirl had vanished, to be replaced with dreams of being a crime scene investigator. I had spent most of my nights cuddled up to my dad as he watched one of his favorite programmes. CSI which also included the new york and miami versions. I wanted to be out there living on the edge, putting brains in blenders and catching the bad guys. Mainly I wanted to make my dad proud.
High school was filled with many "dream jobs" but mainly I wanted to be a writer. In primary school I had wrote stories for all of my friends and family, and used to thoroughly enjoy doing it. So when I realised that you could actually get paid for it? Well I went nuts. I wrote story after story, I reviewed anything I could get my hands on and payed extra attention in english. It was all I wanted and I tried hard. After getting a very tiny win of having a poem I wrote printed in a newspaper my dream was set. My goals were written down and my future career was planned out, until...

I changed my mind. I grew up and got hormonal. I found that I loved babysitting and children, well lets face it, are just so darn cute! I forgot writing and decided I wanted to be a teacher. I was prepared for all the hard work and went to college after passing my GCSE's to do childcare. I did a year and three quaters, passed everything, but in the last few months, was kicked off. I was going through a stage where I was very ill, and had so much time off they thought that it was too much to catch up on in placement (in a near bye nursery) hours. I was devastated and my mind was blank. I didn't want to do anything else! I just wanted to sit at home and do nothing.

My mum of course had other ideas, and due to lack of money, forced me back to college. She put me onto the only course that still had free places. Hairdressing. I was so angry, I didn't want to do it at all, but I had no choice. I sucked it up and started the course, only to find after a few months that I loved it, and I had, what I believed was, a talent for it. I was learning new skills every day and I used to look forward to going. The first year I passed with flying colours and I was so excited to go back for the second year.
However, the second year  hated. It was fine at first but then we were just left to our own devices. We were taught nothing new, and I realised. I am going to be doing the same thing for the rest of my life, there is no way to change or improve anything I have learnt and the basics were just it. Each day became more of a chore than an enjoyment and I realised that it just wasn't working anymore. Besides I didn't really fit into the crowd. I'm loud and chatty and I don't always wear make up. Fake tan is foreign to me and the trout pout? That isn't me. So I came to the conclusion. I had to leave. At the same time my mother got taken into hospital for a major stroke and is still sadly in there, so the stress of living on my own and looking after and sorting everything as well as college became too much. So I quit.

So now i'm here. No clue what to do. There isn't any particular career I want, nothing that draws my attention. I always have a plan, some sort of idea but this time? Nothing. My mind has drawn a blank, and the silence is killing me. One thing for sure, I need a job until I do... Hmm I wonder if anyone needs a cowgirl? I think I still have the hat somewhere...

Chann