Alone again

They say a blog is like a diary, that in years to come you will look back and learn from your lessons. Well here is my first diary post, to myself and to anyone it might help. In years to come I hope I look back at this and kick myself.

A wise person once said, the only person you can rely on, is yourself. My god how true he was! My life revolved around someone, someone so special to me that I would wake up thinking of them, and go to sleep dreaming of them. I would constantly be wishing I was with them, and when I would leave to return home, I would be so sad. My whole life was them. I was promised they would never leave, that they would always love me no matter what, that I would always be safe with them, and in their eyes? I felt it. I trusted them with my entire life, my secrets I entrusted to them, and whenever I needed help, or a cry or to share some laughter, they would be there.

We started to have some problems, and I drunkenly confided in his family, once it all came out, they told me to go to them when I had a problem. So I did. It felt amazing, I lost all of my family not long ago, and it felt like I had been given an adopted one. I was happy, and it felt good getting out my concerns and anger with someone.

I carried on, life still revolving around that person. Until I admitted something horrific to him. Something that had happened to me that plagued me for ages, something that caused me pain. I lay in his arms, crying and shaking, as he assured me that we would get help. That no one else mattered in the entire world, and that I wouldnt have to fight on my own. Worst thing is? I believed him. I felt safe, and that he was my knight in shining armour.

The next day arrived and we sort advice from his nan, a CEO (In the police). I thought it was all over, that I could be calm and content once more until the words left her mouth. I don't belive you. It's fair to say my heart shattered and I panicked. All I could think of was the fact that this woman had betrayed me. I ran from the flat, distraught. I couldn't stop running. Turns out, when I had left, his family had sat and told him everything I had confided in them about, every argument, every spat.

He believed them. It cut me like a knife and I havent stopped crying since. Sitting at home, begging for him to love me again, for him to listen, for him to believe me, but he didn't. He blocked my number and facebook, and told me to seek help. I was betrayed. And alone.

Since coming back home, I have spoken to the police, and sat in my room crying. My chest felt like it had been ripped out, and I never thought I would survive. If I was going to die, it would be of a broken heart.
I can't sleep, I can't eat. It's a vicious trap.

Though today, I sat and spoke to my support worker, and my close friend. They put alot of things into perspective for me. If he truly loved me, if he was truly my friend, he would have been there for me.

I had allowed myself to depend wholey on someone who promised that they would always be there, and I had forgotten my own feet. I allowed my heart to lie in the hands of someone capable of squishing it. It pains me to say it, but I will not hear from him again. Whatever his family have said, he obviously believes, and I can swear on anything I have never lied.

My life now must exist with just me in it, i'm in charge and I must rely on myself. Life is hard, and my heart feels like it is still being squished, still struggling to breathe but life is not over. Life is not gone completely. I am still breathing, and with each painful step i'm moving forward. I'm trudging through the tunnel, searching for the light. This time it is not someone else creating it, it's up to me to turn on the light switch.

I guess my advice to myself, and to any others. Your life is your own, control it. It's hard to see it, but on your own, you can't get hurt. Trust when you know you can, it doesn't appear in a day. The most important thing is, no matter how much you love someone, they can always hurt you beyond repair.

Some of you may think I am crazy, that it is just a friend, but since losing my family, and my friends, he was my everything. He put me up when I was homeless, and let me cry on him when I couldn't face life on my own. I will always be in debt to him, and will always love him beyond belief, but no matter how much you love someone, what has happened to me doesn't deserve to happen to anyone. That may sound selfish, but I would never want any child of mine in future to go through the same.

So when you feel like someone is your world, know, no one controls your world other than yourself. You create the light in the tunnel, you hold it in your hands. Let others in, but no one is allowed to hurt you, no one is allowed to abandon you when you need them most, and if they do? Turn off the light and find the confidence that you can walk in the dark. On your own.

Chann

The moronic ways of a smitten warrior

When is the right time to tell someone your feelings? Wow, big question I know. One with a million answers wouldn't you say? Well you are wrong...sorry.

My good friend recently told me that they were in love with someone, someone who was leaving the college they attend and probably won't see them again for a very long time. Sucks right? Well my reaction was not sympathetic, I went mad! I was bouncing around slamming on my keyboard my response of Tell her! What's the worst that can happen? Think about it, the worst she could say is no. Then you will move on, and you won't have to see her all the time, and be faced with that awkward silence where neither of you know if the other is over them or not. Of course he didn't listen, but I know for a fact, when she leaves he will regret not taking that chance. I know I would.

Many a time in my past I have been faced with a situation where I have feelings for someone, maybe a friend, maybe someone I can't have, maybe even Johnny Depp (Come on, who doesn't) and I have done nothing about it. I have sat thinking of them, hanging off every word and then getting angry that they haven't noticed my obvious  feelings, I mean why haven't they noticed that I am smitten with them and then proposed? Come on, I know you all have been there. Guys included! Thing is, most of the time that we believe we are being obvious, and we think we are letting them know in the most subtle sexiest way that we like them, we're usually acting like a moron, and surprise surprise, they don't notice that the moron is in love.

I have not escaped the moronic ways of a smitten warrior. I personally have done so many stupid things whilst trying to let someone know that I like them that the list would be endless, but just for your amusement (and to my embarrassment) here are a few of the classics.

Oh I like that too! -  Yes you know that old chestnut, they tell you something that they enjoy, and you reply with the over happy response that you too enjoy eating slimy seafood! This method of course is used, as you believe that if you both share a love for something, that will make them think that you are the one and they will fall madly in love with you. Well it doesn't work, and when you throw up the slimy food on there new shoes, well let's just say, they won't be very  fond of you.

Of course I can speak Russian! - I know, don't look at me like that! He may not have been the love of my life, but he was cute, and part Russian! I thought it would be cute if I could speak the language of the place he was from when he couldn't. That was until he introduced me to his Russian speaking friend, and I put on a very dodgy accent to their horror. It's fair to say I hung my head in shame and walked a way.

Oh don't worry I won't drop that priceless guitar! - You don't need to know anymore, it's pretty obvious what happened.

Well what I am trying to get across is that we can sit there until we are blue in the face, until we have seafood on our clothes, with shards of guitar on the floor, speaking in a slightly racist accent all we want, but they are never going to know unless you tell them! By the way, I am not speaking about the Someone likes you  sly kind of way, I mean the full on terms. Be honest! (but not too honest, no one wants to know that you want to watch them while they sleep and you secretly call yourself his wife and take his last name). Tell them, by face, by text, by Facebook, whatever makes you comfortable! Don't let yourself wander what if! Regret is a nasty thing, and can plague you for the rest of your life.

Rejection isn't that bad, the worst they can say is no! Or in my case You racist! If they say no? Well you accept defeat and move on. They clearly weren't the one, and if you must you could do the cowards way out and pretend it was a joke, or you didn't write it (Yes I have done that before, and yes sometimes it works, although when it fails, its bad. Trust me) Or you could just trust that they would take it as a compliment and assure them it won't change how you are with them. It might be awkward at first but it will soon ware off and you will be back to normal. That is worst case scenario. Not that bad right?

The best part of it is, there is a 50% chance that they will admit liking you back! Or even want to give it a go! Hallelujah! You'll be married by fall!

So don't live with regret! Don't act dopey and hope they will get the hint, go for it! Grab the bull by the horns and tell them. You never know what might happen!






Chann

Good first dates are not a myth!

Dating. Wow, I know. Back on the dating scene again, my god it's a scary world to be in. You hear so many horror stories eminating around the world about how awful first dates can be, how there were awkward silences, and you didn't know what to do, or how you should act. Well! I am here to tell you that there is a different side to first dates!
The other night I went on my first date in a long, long time. I was so nervous, yet I had started talking to a pleasant boy, and he asked me out on a date. I of course agreed, and thought nothing more of it, until a few hours before.
I suddenly got stupidly nervous, and thought I was going to hurl. I was stood in the shower hyperventilating. What was I doing? I don't know how to date! I've been on about three dates in my life, and I had no idea what I was doing.
Dragging all of my clothes onto my bed I started to try on dress after dress, trying to find something that I thought was acceptable. I'd find something I liked and then I would change my mind and throw it in the corner, swearing at it as it fell.
I started doing my make up and hair, and then changing it with each outfit I put on. I was an utter mess. It took me three hours to get ready, and that makes a massive change from the girl who takes 20 minutes tops. The only way I decided that I looked okay was when my friend kncoked on my door and simply said, you look gorgeous. Go like that. With a sigh I decided that it was probably best if I stayed the way I was, seeming as I had  5 minutes until he was meant to arrive.
So I was a mess. First dates are always bad. Always. I had heard the stories, read the books, watched the films. I knew this wasn't going to go well. Well ladies and gentlemen, what followed was a night of laughter and fun.
Not an awkward silence at all. There was constant talking and fits of laughter. I had an amzing night, with lovely company and I would quite happily do it all over again.
So it made me think, how many people have allowed nerves to stop them going on that date, meeting that person. Well folks, I can assure you, dating is not bad at all. You may well get that odd date that doesn't go to plan, but hey that is life! But if you enjoy talking to this person, and you don't run out of things to say over text, then why should it be any different in real life? Get to know them and if all goes to plan and they ask you, then say yes!
You may just find the lover of your dreams, or even just a good friend. It's not wrong to be scared, hell I was! But don't let it stop you living your life!

So, have confidence folks, it may just work out!

Chann

More cushion for the pushin'?

Men. Will we ever understand them? Personally I think not. I have no idea why, such intricate creations can be so dense. Will we ever know why they have power trips? Why they try to make them selves 90 percent muscle? Why they are so happy to use a girl, then drop her for a different model, yet expect pity of others when it happens to them?
Well personally, the kind of guy I am after is Eddie from the rocky horror picture show, and is his actor, Meatloaf. A
proper man. Chubby, talented, a rocker, that has a soul and is up for a laugh. I miss the days that guys used to be like that. Old fashioned and so un-perfect they are, well perfect. A guy was admired for his flaws, it made him unique. These days? Everyone fits into a group, or a stereo type, and anyone who steps out of them is a freak. Well pass me a chubby, old fashioned "freak" over any of these chavs, geeks or players any day.
Men should be there to rely on, rest your head on his shoulder, and know that he would kick anyone ass for hurting you. Not in the way guys start fights in the street, but in the way that no one would dare to come by, as they new you were his. Back in the day, this was how it was. No one feared that un-perfect man on the motorbike, but yearned for him.
Which leads me to another point. When did chubby guys become so unappealing? Is it just me that would still choose the chubby guy in the leather jacket over the guy in trackies? I mean women, you expect men to love you when you are chubby, why isn't that returned? I mean I find nothing more attractive than a chubby guy who can own a room, than that moody skinny guy that sits in the corner all mysterious.
I believe that all of these romance books have scarred our thoughts, I don't think I have read one that mentions a guy that has put on a few pounds and still rocks a leather jacket. Some of you may argue with me and say that thin guys are attractive, and i'm not saying they aren't. Each to their own; but I honestly think that the chubby old fashioned rocker has gone out of style, to be replaced with a modern version that has been on a diet. Quite frankly i'm sad.
I will continue to search for my Eddie, (although if you have seen the film, I don't want him to be murdered by a transvestite, if you haven't...go and watch it now!), or even my meatloaf.

Besides what is it they say? More cushion for the pushing!

Chann


If you are curious about the role he plays in The rocky horror picture show, go watch the film I urge you! It's so oddly fun, and you might just see what I mean.

Up up and away

Have you ever been so scared that your disaster of a life, could get worse if you don't get everything sorted, that you could be homeless, penniless and without contact with everyone? I have. Tonight is the last night of reliance on my friend to put me up and feed me.

As I have mentioned in one of my other posts my mum is in hospital, and I have been told rudely by my family that I will no longer be living with my mum, that she herself is moving out of my childhood home when she comes out to stay in a carers bungalow, and that I have got no where to live. For quite sometime my friend has helped me out by feeding and homing me, but after this putting him debt I have had to move on. 

To do so I have had to declare myself homeless officially, and ask for help everywhere I can get it. Tomorrow night I will be moved into a mysterious location, could be a flat or a hostel or anything, and that's it. I'm left to start my life all over again. Build it all from scratch and get everything sorted and to be quite honest? I'm terrified. 

I have awful nerves, and being on my own, even in my own house, creeps the hell out of me, so being moved into a complete mystery place on my own is such an ominous prospect that I don't know how i'm going to handle it.  Especially moving in with no money and no furniture. I'm not going to harp on like my life is the hardest ever, I know there are some people out there that aren't lucky to get the help that I have, (I spent hours on the office phone to get it), I know that things can always be worse but it's making me realize what really is important. 

I used to think that a raving social life, a nice wardrobe and other menial things were important and it sounds cheesy but now I know what really is. It comes to a point when you realize that all of the things you took for granted like a roof, food and water are actually the things you need the most, and you notice it most when you are faced with the prospect of no longer having them. 

Tomorrow is a big day, it's the start of something new that I am absolutely terrified of, but you know what? I've said it before, we should always do the thing that scares us the most and that is exactly what i'm going to do. I can say this for sure though, I am never going to lose perspective again, or forget those who have helped me out so much. 

Wish me luck!

Chann 

Over thinking, we all do it!

Looking back through the past, and thinking of all of those things we should of have done is something that will plagues everyone’s mind at some point in their life, the chances we should have taken, the person we should have appreciated a bit more, the friend we should have forgiven or even that party we should have gone to, but is looking back and wondering bad for us?

One of my close friends did this lately with a past love. They had attempted a relationship before, and it had gone relatively well, but they broke after deciding that they didn’t mesh as well as they thought they would. This week however she was faced with a decision. Her past love popped back up to say hey, they always spoke but this time, he confessed that he liked her. Now this led her mind to spiral out of control, thinking of times they had together in the past, the laughter and the fun. Of course she had the nostalgia goggles on, but she spent the entire week thinking.

Now one of the thoughts that crossed her mind was, should she go for it, even after seeing that it didn’t work last time? I suppose this would be a thought that would cross everyone’s mind path at some point in the situation, but what would you choose? They never had any particular problems and they broke up over natural causes, so what was stopping her?

Two words. Over thinking. If you are faced with a decision that could effectively change your future, you will do the normal thing, and over think things. Should I buy that top that will make me broke? Should I take that trip? Should I talk to that person? Or in my friends case?  Should I give it another go? You will sit there all day thinking, wondering, trying to picture what could happen if you took that chance, or even if you didn’t. It sucks, but we all do it. Of course after listening to all of my friends worries and questions, and found out that although she had doubts, she did want to give it a go, and I advised her to do so, but what should the rest of us do in this situation?

Well my first piece of advice is to find someone you trust and tell them your worries, a true friend can tell within seconds what decision you are going to make and can save you a lot of time over thinking, but mostly I say go for it! When it comes to relationships and friendships, something to do with another person I say go for it. What’s the harm in trying? Unless the decision is over something that involves your bank balance, I say take a chance! I’m a big believer in that chances are there to be taken, and you should!

So next time you’re in a jam, take that chance! You never know what might come from it!

Chann

One joke is enough.

Have you ever noticed how just one event, one comment, one joke can plummet your confidence six feet under? Being bullied for years throughout my education toughened me up, made me be confident as to not let them get to me. My self esteem grew, I actually liked how I looked, how I was, and let me just say. It felt great. I'd roll out of bed, put on whatever, and walk out of the house with my head held high.

Now however, it's a different story. When trust is broken, you start to doubt yourself. Entrusting yourself to someone, being the real you, is a big deal. Choosing not to put on make up one day, deciding to put on your sweats than a skirt or even just opening up about yourself. It's a massive deal! Some people can spend their life caked in makeup, dolled up, constantly looking their best and shut off from the world because it makes them feel confident. If that is what it takes to hold their head up high then they will do it, but if one day someone comes along that they love and trust enough to drop the routine then that shows complete trust. Some spouses say it's because they can't be bothered to make an effort anymore, but it's not that at all. It's  trust, and you should never take it lightly.If someone feels confident enough to be their complete self around you then that shows how much you mean to them.

What I absolutely hate is when someone trusts enough to let the mask slip, to be themselves, and it is received with constant jokes and ridicule. Fellas? One joke is enough. Pestering a girl to get naked and making a "jokey insult" when they do isn't funny, it's insulting. You may think you are being funny "teasing" all the time, but it's not. Don't get me wrong, i'm all for teasing when you both know it's a joke but when it's one sided? That's when it is bang out of order.

I'm not biased, it's the same for girls too. Giggling about your man's manhood sizing, or how they look is just as bad. For both sexes, these little "jokes" can be catastrophic against ones confidence. Imagine it's a scab, one scratch is fine, but keep itching and it's going to bleed. Your other half may not be perfect, but if they trust you enough to be themselves, appreciate it, don't mock it. One day may come where you reveal something that hurts to uncover, you wouldn't want them to mock it would you?

Remember! One joke is enough.

Chann